What should you do if your family don’t support what you believe in?


Question: What should you do if part of your family is different religion and they don’t support what you believe in? But you still care for them and you want to be around them? Being around family that doesn’t believe hurts the family that does believe.

hoja and murid

The Holy Ones, they went through what you are going through. They believe in something and the whole family does not believe in it. What do you do then? What is it that you want? You want them to believe? Allah is going to make them to believe. He is the turner of hearts. Not you. Not me. Not anyone. You are living with them, they are your father, they are your mother, you respect them but they don’t believe the way that you believe. It’s okay. Lakum Dinukum Waliyadin – to you your religion, to me mine. This is what Allah is saying in the Quran.

Are they respecting you and loving you despite your belief? Yes, they are. Then you should find some common ground. Don’t find conflict. Find common ground and stay on those common grounds and live properly. If they don’t believe in what you are believing in,  and you are the one who’s always bringing up what you believe and they don’t believe in it, pull that away. Find common ground and live. Because they are part of your family. You have more things that are common than things that are different. They love you, they respect you, it is obligation in Islam to love and to respect them. We cannot force anyone. And in Islam, especially in Tarikat, forcing doesn’t mean pushing down, it doesn’t mean pushy too. It means, to do something, to say something without permission. That is already bad edep. Meaning, you have to ask permission. To enter into a house you have to ask permission. You cannot just enter. To enter into a room that belongs to someone else, Islam is saying, it is forbidden for you to enter until you ask permission.

So there are certain subjects that they don’t want to talk about, they don’t believe in, don’t be busy with those subjects. “Oh, but I want to talk about my religion.” You know what? Your religion is not just what you can talk. Your religion is what you believe and what you live, how you live your religion. You can talk and talk and talk and they don’t believe. But you can carry out one advice, one sunnat of the Prophet, without saying it is coming from Islam, everyone will accept because it’s only good that comes from it.

For example what? What are we saying after every zikr and after every sohbet? “Say something that is only going to benefit you and others or else keep silent.” Now which person in his right mind is going to say, “I don’t believe in this? This is wrong. this is coming from the devil. This is evil.” Which person? That person must be sheytan to say this is wrong. Prophet (asws) is saying, “either say something that gives benefit to you and to others or else keep silent.” And especially in these days, when nothing is silent anymore and everything you want to publicize and proclaim to the whole world and it gets everyone into trouble, to be silent it is a lost treasure in these days.

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Hz Ali quotes on silent (2)

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So, what if they don’t support what you believe in?  You live in their house, it is their house you are living in. Islam has so many laws. The law is to protect you. You live in their house, you don’t have too much rights, cos you live in their house. They have the right to say: do this, and don’t do this. Speak like this, or don’t speak like this. Because you are living under their roof. They are putting food on the table. If it is your house, that time somebody comes to visit, you have the right to say,”these are the things that we don’t talk about, these are the things that we talk about.” You have that rights because it belongs to you now. But you don’t have too much right if you are living under someone else’s roof and they are the ones who is putting food on your table.

Now, if it is you who are visiting them or they are visiting you, and they start to say very bad things about the religion of Islam, put it in one ear, put it out through the other. First you’ve got to do that. Be patient. Learn how to control your anger. Now if they are doing things to make you feel really uncomfortable, and  they are saying things and it hurts you in so many ways, Islam is saying: everything that you are doing, look to the life of the Prophet, look to the life of his companion. Follow it from there. Seek help from them.

The Prophet (asws), how many years he was in Mecca? 13 years he was in Mecca, his own hometown among his family, among people who love him, that before he started speaking about Islam, he was called Al-Amin, the trustworthy one. He was called to arbitrate between the warring clans and tribes. They said, ‘he’s the most trustworthy one and we love him.’ Forty years. Not when he’s only seven, seventeen. Forty years. Then, when the revelation was given to him and he says, “La illaha ilallah, forget all your divisions, we are worshipping to one Lord, we are one ummat, we are one brotherhood. Destroy all your distinction and destroy all your idols that you’ve also built in your heart.” They turned against him. For thirteen years. What is it that they did to him? What they didn’t do to him? Slandering, torturing, every kind of humiliation they did to him and to his followers. How many were his followers and who were his followers at that time, thirteen years in Mecca? His followers were the majority of the rich and  the powerful and the Quraisy tribe?

No. most of them they were orphans, and widows. They were the people who were poor, who had no power, who had no voice and what was he speaking for? He was speaking about how turn away from this world, come back to yourself. Don’t be tyrants. Take care of each other. Believe that Allah is watching, He is judging you and you have to answer for everything that we have done in this world and the Hereafter,  there is a  Hereafter. They turned against him. Thirteen years. They beat, they tortured, they killed, they starved, they did everything. For thirteen years. Not one year. Thirteen years. Did he get up with a sword in his hand and declared war against them? No he didn’t.

Thirteen years, until Allah gave him the order, now because so much resistance coming to you, did Allah say, ‘now fight’? No. Allah says, ‘now, emigrate.’ Leave. They are being tyrants, they are being cruel, they are not accepting, leave.’ So he left. They left. They went to Medina. Then when those animals decided they want to finish him once and for all, and they gathered thousand people in the troops with the best  technology and equipment that they had at that time, to battle against a group that were orphans, poor people with nothing in their hands, and when they met in the plain of Badr, to go to war, the Sahabis, there were only 313. While the Quraisy they were over a thousand people, they only had two horses.  And those ones, they had hundreds of horses. Some of them were going to battle, just with sticks and stones in their hands. They were not fighters. They were not warriors.

And when they came to attack Medina, still Prophet (asws) did not say, “now we stand up and we fight.” He kept quiet because the order did not come yet.

They said, “Ya Rasulullah, they are going to come to us. They are going to finish us.”

And he says, “no. we are not going to do anything.”

They say, “we will die.”

He says, “then we will die as martyrs.” He says, “the orders has not been given to me. We are not going to go.” Knowing full well that they can come and they can destroy everything. He was testing their faith. Allah is testing everyone’s faith. And everyone’s submission and everyone’s love to the Holy Prophet (asws).

They said, “we left everything, our children, our parents, to come here, to find some peace to practise our religion. Now they are coming to attack us and still you are not giving us the right to defend ourselves?”

He says, “No. if Allah did not give us the order, we will not move.”

Until Allah give the order and, when that ayat came, “Throw the sword. Throw the spear. It is you who is throwing, but it is Allah who is striking.” So that time, then they had the permission to defend themselves.

So that happened. You are being attack in your house, leave. They are not going to follow you, don’t worry, to destroy you. Leave. Don’t fight with them. Pray for them. Because the religion of Islam, it is not talking, it is a lifestyle. The way that you carry yourself. The way that you walk, the way that you talk. These are call the Sunnat of the Rasulullah, his examples. You put it in your life, and every sunnat is beautiful and every sunnat is accepted, has to be accepted by regular intelligent people. That when they see and they like, even if they don’t understand, they see and they like and they accept, safety will come to them.

So, if they are not attacking you, be with them. Learn to get along.  If they are still attacking you, leave. Move away, be free, but don’t cut off ties with them. Because, who knows, one day, they are going to turn around. After everything that you’ve done to bring common ground and  if they are still very hostile to you, then leave. But, so many people too, coming to Islam, especially if they come into Islam through the hands of the wahabbis, uh! finish. Like Sheykh Effendi says: from the frying pan into the fire. Before they were not muslims, suddenly they found Islam, they get filled up with such arrogance and self-righteousness, then they go home and they start preaching to their parents who are non Muslims, their family who are not muslim, saying, “you are going to go to Hell!”

You didn’t remember where you came from? Who is speaking like that? Which Prophet, which saint is speaking like that? So, that is even worse now. And that is forbidden in our way.  So, that’s alright. Maybe, you being with them and praying for them, is going to bring more blessings to them. May it be easy insyaAllah.

These are the days where it is not so easy to carry faith. Yes. It’s not just  for people enter into Islam. It’s people who accept Tarikat too. People who are muslims, been muslims, you all know what I’m talking about. You accept Tarikat, you accept the Sheykh, suddenly you see your whole family turning against you. You see all your friends turning against you. What is it that is so weird? And hundred percent, not ninety nine, hundred percent of these ones who are against, they never once come to our face to sit in front of us and to say: why is this like this? Why is this like that? To questions. But they know, behind our backs, to slander and to speak and to lie and to complain. Never they come.We say, we don’t know anything  but if you have questions, you don’t understand, sit in front of us like a human being and ask. We may give you some answer. Never. They are happy just to make fitnah and confusion behind.

So, what can we do, this is Ahir zaman. InsyaAllah one day, they will come around may  Allah make it easy. Fatiha.


 Sheykh Lokman Efendi Hz, Khalifah of Shaykh Abdulkerim el Kibrisi (qs) * OSMANLI DERGAHI- New York

27 Jamadilakhir 1436H

April 17, 2015

This entry was posted in Hoja Lokman Effendi (2015). Bookmark the permalink.

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