Question: I am a mureed. I’ve given up my life before Tarikat to be in this way Alhamdulillah. But lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life before Tarikat. Is that normal? Is it just my ego?
BismillahirRahmanirRahim. That is very good. That if you are doing that, it is a very normal thing to do that. You are going to think back about your life more often, different periods and different times and for different reasons also. You enter because there is so much energy that is given to you, so much blessings that is given to you, the veil, the Sheykh lift and you feel like you enter into a completely different world and you are running with it.
Run. But after a while when that ‘honeymoon’ period is finished, it’s like now, they give you a very nice big car, very strong, powerful car and they fill it up with gas. The car is you. You didn’t realise you had that power. But we are going to give you that power now. We are going to give you the gas. So you run. You didn’t realise that you have that car which is so powerful, it’s inside of you. You are driving the car. Then the gas finished. Then they say, ‘now, you have to fill it up. Now you have to fill up your gas.’
So that is when the real works start for you. And one of the things that you have to go through is thinking back about your life. Sometimes, the ego plays trick and you get very nostalgic about your life before, ‘ahh, remember I used to do this. Then I used to do that.’ That is normal. But, be intelligent. If your life was so good, you will not be entering into Tarikat. If life is so good, we wouldn’t even want to go to Jannat. But life is not good. This life is Asfala Safileen, lowest of the low. So, we forgot huh, how miserable our lives were before Tarikat?
So whenever you find yourself nostalgic, sit down and say: don’t fool yourself. You forgot about how you actually felt? You are only looking from the outside. It’s just shining. But you forgot how you were feeling inside. How much anxiety you have, how much misery you have, how much depression you have, how much jealousy you have, how much arrogance you have, you forgot about that? And you had no one to hold on to? So when your ego brings you back now and you start to look at your life, be intelligent and look at it sincerely. That is being sincere. You are not brainwashing yourself. You are being sincere. Look at it sincerely. Then take lesson from it. Soon that will pass. You will enter into another phase, or another phase, or another phase. Everything is going to go according to its own time. But this is necessary for you to go through.
Of course, some people, they never learn. If you don’t learn then that time it’s going to be very difficult for you. If you don’t learn now, they are going to make you to learn in the grave and it’s going to be very difficult. If you don’t learn in the grave, Judgement Day. If you don’t learn Judgment Day then they are going to send you to a big wash up. May Allah protect us from all of that, insya’Allah.
So take that opportunity, when you are thinking about your life, to ask yourself ‘why’. Don’t just be thinking ‘why’. Ask why. Say first, ‘why am I thinking this way? Why am I longing for my life before? Is it because my life now is miserable? If it’s miserable, why is it miserable?’ It is not miserable, your ego is miserable. Our ego is miserable. Yes. But our spirit has never been free and so liberated and so light before. So once you start thinking and understanding, then you can make progress because you are doing all that now, you are filling up your car with a gas and you can go. More you think, more you understand, more gas you have, then that time, when someone else is going through some sort of trouble, you have gas, you can give them the gas. You understand?
May Allah make it easy, insya’Allah. Whatever that you’ve gone through in your life too it is not going to be wasted. It’s going to be a hikmat, a wisdom there. But don’t look back and never look back and start to miss it in a way that it is better, our lives before than it is now. Don’t fall into that trap. You understand. Don’t let your ego that time to trick you. WaminAllahu Taufiq Alfatiha. Amin. Selamaleykum warahmatullahi wabarakatu.